Life is different as a Mom (Parent)

No kidding, right!  Were you prepared for how much your life would change when you became a parent?

Recently a post circulated on Facebook and it really stirred something in me.  I have attached it below.  If you are a parent – read it.  This is the first post in a series of 5 I am writing about what I have learned about being a mom and situations I was completely unprepared for.

When I was planning a family and expecting my first child, there was lots of advice offered and of course lots of “everything will change”, “life will never be the same” etc.  I was fully prepared (as much as you can be ahead of time) for sleepless nights, dirty diapers, teething, temper-tantrums and more.  But no one prepared me for how I would feel when my teenager doesn’t come home one night, or when the police call and wake you up to ask you to pick up your son who is too drunk to walk home.  And I was completely unprepared for how I would feel when my boys are unhappy – terribly unhappy.  On the other hand no one had told me the incredible joy I would feel when they are happy.

What was the most unexpected aspect of parenting for you?

I found my joy. How can I help other women do the same?

I had the pleasure of spending a day with a bright, sweet, kind, creative, beautiful young woman this weekend.  We talked about dreams, wants, the future.  You know, small stuff 😉

She just finished her first degree, but like so many young people her age has no idea where to go from here.  Back to school?  Work?  In what field?  I asked her what would her dream job look like.  She smiled.  She was dreaming for a moment, but then said “I don’t know”.  She had gone to her dream place and then dismissed it due to self-doubt in seconds.

I asked her; if there were absolutely no limitations (money, education, knowledge etc), what would her dream job be?  Now she thought a little longer and then told me her dream, and then quickly told me that there is no way it would work.  How many of you do that?  Dream and then dismiss the dream?  I used to do that all the time and honestly still do sometimes.  But I am learning to believe in my dreams whatever they may be and am loving the opportunities, people and experiences that have come into my life as a result.

I first learned this in my early 40’s.  I wish I had sooner, but better late than never.  It is my passion, and dream to help other women do the same.

No matter what your dream is, no matter what stage of life you are at; believe in your dream and you will live it.

This didn’t happen over night for me.  Without knowing what was happening at the time, and as a result of a life-altering event, I took myself on a self-discovery journey and what a joyful journey it was.  I learned so much about myself.  I learned to be happy.  I learned to forgive.  I learned what it feels like to live with joy and it is way better than without.

I have lived more, been happier, experienced more and done more in the last 5 years than in all the years previous put together.  And I have loved every second of it 🙂  I stopped living FOR others.  I live for myself.  I give myself freely, and without resentment to my children, my husband and my loved ones.   I give to make others happy because it makes me happy.  But first, I give to myself.

This is not selfish, this is self-love.  And when we love ourselves we can so much more easily love others, love what we do, and simply love life.

The young lady I spoke of earlier has a dream and it is a beautiful dream.  She couldn’t stop herself from smiling when she allowed herself to think about it as a possible reality.  She struggles with the contradictory expectations and doubts of her family, friends and society.  I told her to just put it in motion.

“Start doing today what you have to do to make your dream a reality”

Every little step counts.  But only if you truly believe in you and your dream.

What is your dream?  Are you on your way?

Dream big and never give up!

Elisabeth xo

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Forgiveness

Do you forgive when you are wronged or hurt?  Or do you carry a grudge and become resentful?  The first one is often more difficult than the second, especially in the short term.  Personally I have always felt that carrying a grudge and resenting people for the mean, hurtful or insensitive things they do just drags me down with them, and life is too short for that.  But as I say this I know its much easier said than done.  What do you teach your children?

I just watched a great little 3 minute video about forgiveness.  Here it is 🙂

I have always wondered what forgiveness actually is.  How do I forgive someone?  What does that really mean?  And today, watching those 3 minutes I get it!  And I realize I have been doing that for years.  If forgiveness is letting go, then I can do that, because hanging on to something is way harder in my opinion.  Staying angry and resentful is daily work.  You have to remember, dwell on and relive a hurtful event.  “Forgiveness is like daily hygiene, like having a shower”… YES!  I love starting fresh.  I had to do this in a big way 7 years ago and it felt great – eventually 😉

7 years ago this May I found out that my husband of 19 years was having an affair and had been for almost one year.  This was the second time.  His first affair was 8 years earlier. Back then our children were still very young, the twins were only 3 years old.  Then he did everything right.  He ended the affair, we went to counselling, and he recommitted to our marriage and we were able to make things work well for a number of years.  And then it happened again.  This time I slowly realized I couldn’t do all that work again.  It had been so hard.

Was I angry?  Of course!  I felt betrayed.  My heart was broken.  I was hurt…. so badly.  I couldn’t understand why he would jeopardize our family like this – again!  Our boys….  Oh my, what was this going to do to them?  Long story – short version; our marriage ended.  Badly.

Four months passed between when I found out and when he actually moved out.  I realize now that it was during this time that I forgave him.  It was during this time that I went through all the pain, anger and resentment and then “showered” it off.  I actually remember the day.  I remember spending the whole night awake thinking and by 5 am I was completely clear.  The marriage was over.  I woke him up and told him.  I was done – completely.  I wasn’t even angry any more.  Just done.  The day he moved out I felt nothing but relief.  I knew he couldn’t hurt me any more.

I find it harder to deal with how he continues to emotionally hurt our boys.  But this is not for me to forgive.  I have no control over what he does nor over how they react.  I have shed so many more tears over this than anything else.  All I can do is try to help them with how they can deal with it.  I know they love him.  He is their father.  They want to have a relationship with him.  I get it.  Generally, my advice for them has been to accept who he is and try to have a relationship with him based on that.  This does not mean they have to be ok with all his choices and the things he has done.  It just means that they have chosen not to let these events rule their lives.  I see now that in effect I was teaching them to forgive him.  And they have.  I am so proud of them.  They have learned such an important life lesson.  I so admire them for that and hope they see the benefits of “showering off” and moving on as opposed to carrying it forward and apply this to all aspects of their lives as they go through whatever may come their way.

In the video Mary reminds us of an old saying that makes so much sense:

“Hanging on to resentment is like drinking a tiny bit of poison each day and expecting the other person to get harmed”.

 For me, forgiving has allowed me to open my heart to love again and to experience true joy.  Not just joy from being in love, but the kind of joy that let’s me experience everything good that life has to offer.  The joy that comes from meeting new people, experiencing new things and learning new life lessons.  It is difficult to explain, but I can actually, physically FEEL this joy.

I am still learning how open myself up to experience this daily and want to help others experience this joy as well.  Sharing just makes it all better.

Please share your story of forgiveness and help us learn together.

I wish you much joy,

Elisabeth xo