A fun mom day today. Two calls from one of my boys. He needed some motherly advice. As always, I am thrilled to hear from my boys anytime and especially happy to know they still consider it worthwhile to check in with mom.
It went something like this:
Son: Hey mom, I am at Walmart, trying on work shoes, and the smaller size is too small but the bigger size is slipping in the heel. But I am not wearing any socks, so which size should I buy?
Me: The bigger size, you can always buy a half-sole insert if they still are too big with socks
Son: Is it ethically wrong for me to rip open a bag of socks and try them on with a pair of socks?
Me: Not if you are going to buy the socks.
Son: Oh, I am not buying the socks!
Me: Then that would be wrong
Son: Mom, it’s Walmart… anything goes here..
Me: No it doesn’t. I raised you better than that!
He bought the bigger shoes without trying on with socks
3 hours later:
Son: Mom, I have a moral dilemma; I just went on a date with a girl who is really cool and I want to see her again
Me: That’s great! What’s her name? And what’s the moral dilemma (like I didn’t know)
Son: I have a date tonight with another girl I don’t really care that much about but…
Me: If you like the morning girl, don’t go out with the other girl…it’s just sex.
Son: You’re right Mom (will never tire of hearing those words). Thanks Mom for keeping me on the moral path today
Me: Love you baby.
Son: Love you too mom, phone’s ringing and I have to get it, bye.
Another girl perhaps?? Will there be another moral dilemma, another call? I live for this – I really do.
Many say that the being a mom can be a thankless job…. A lot of doing for others with no thank you or appreciation. Why do we keep doing it? Why do we keep giving and giving for days/months/years without a thank you? I believe it’s in our nature. We can’t help it. That’s essentially how the species survives. If moms stopped doing for their kids because they weren’t being thanked, well.. there wouldn’t be many adults. And every now and then we get a hug, a kiss, an “i love you mom”, and as they get older you actually do start getting thank you’s. And all those little things make it all worthwhile and we keep giving, doing and loving and our demanding, needy, adorable children get to keep living 🙂
Enter the step mom. I have been one for 5 years now to three great kids. And don’t get me wrong, they do say thank you for dinner, rides to work or a friend’s, or when I do them a favour. They are polite and nice kids and we get along well overall. Better than many blended families.
I have always done my best to respect and nurture their relationship with their mom. However, since they live mostly with us, I have also tried to teach them about the importance of eating a variety of vegetables, sharing with friends, being kind to each other and helping with chores. I have helped with friendship issues, boyfriend problems and wardrobe disasters. I have loved, shared, helped, and sometimes been angry. I have tried to do with them as I do with mine.
To quote a fellow blogger: “I feel like I am working a gruelling full time job, but someone else receives my paycheques. And that is a tough one, my friend.” We don’t get the love, the appreciation and yes, I will say it – any credit. It doesn’t matter how much I am “there for them”, what I “teach” them about life, do’s and dont’s, cheer for them, rally for them, protect them, discipline them or show them. I have tried to treat them as I treat my own, as best as I can. But bottom line; I am not their mom, not their parent and therefore I get even less than their parents get. I find this very hard some times. I remind myself that they might feel disloyal towards their mom in some way if they really opened up to me too much, or showed me love. I get that they may feel that they only have to tolerate me and be polite (most of the time) because I am not their mom. Seeing my own boys go through our divorce and deal with their step mom I also know that this is not easy for the kids, and as the adults it is our job to make things as easy for them as possible in this regard. They didn’t ask for any of this. They didn’t ask for me.
But every now and then it would be so nice to have someone say – “I am lucky to have you for a step mom”
I love you all xo
(Clayton, Eric, Jackson, Thomas, Rachel, Hailee and Jake)
This definitely came to mind when I was thinking of things no one prepared me for when I became a mother.
Really scary right?!? Am I saying the right thing? Giving the right advice?
There are several topics that may come to mind when I say this; and the sex talk may top the list for many… In fact, please comment below and name the topic you found the hardest to discuss with your child.
For me, the sex talk was no big deal. Their father wouldn’t and said so, therefore I did.
I find it much more difficult when they come to me with a big, life-effecting questions like what kind of education to pursue; whether or not to break up with a girlfriend; or when needing help dealing with a friend-ship gone bad; self-esteem issues or other “life sucks sometimes” kind stuff. It’s those times you just don’t know what to say because you might be too upset and don’t know what to say. Or, maybe you are afraid to say the wrong thing. Both of these have happened to me – several times. I find it best if I just take a deep breath and think a little bit before I start saying something.
One of the most difficult conversations I ever had with one of my children was when my one of boys came to me because he felt he was fat. He was in tears. My knee-jerk reaction was to immediately deny; “no you’re not”. But the thing was, he had gained weight. He actually was a little over-weight. But he was 13 and I didn’t want to create or feed any kind of body image issues, because I also knew that he hadn’t had his growth spurt yet and boys often fill ‘out’ before they grow taller. No matter what I said he just kept getting more angry and upset. He told me stop telling him he wasn’t fat and rather tell him what he can do. So I did. You can read the rest of that story here. It turned out to be a really good conversation that allowed me to address a very difficult topic in a healthy and informative way. Educating him and not belittle or diminish his problem by placating his concern.
Before I had children, I always thought the hardest part would be the early years when they don’t sleep, cry a lot, throw temper tantrums etc etc. It never occurred to me that these years were the easiest. Crazy busy, but emotionally easier. Now, one of the things I often say is that those were easier years in that I always knew where my children were and how to solve their problems. I lost sleep due fevers, stuffy noses and teething, not because I was living their worry – if you know what I mean. They often come to me late at night with what is troubling them. “Mom, can I talk to you?” Of course! So, I listen, I feel their emotions, I advise as best I know how. They go off to bed and sleep well, feeling relieved and better after talking to me and for this I am so grateful. I go off to bed and lie awake half the night worrying about whether I said the right thing and all the possible outcomes (worst case scenarios being the most prevalent). I have a lot of grey hairs to show for this 😉 I love that they come to me and I never want them to stop, but I also find it mentally exhausting. It is this emotional exhaustion I never expected, never knew about.
I get exhausted from carrying their burden. Because as soon as they share it with me, it is mine as well. And sometimes it is simply too much for me – there is 4 of them after all! And sometimes I have a fair bit of my own stuff to deal with…. I will come across as impatient or ask them to figure it out on their own. I feel so bad when I do this. The thing is, sometimes it’s just too much for me and I don’t know how to help them. They are looking for a solution and I can’t even figure my own life out. I never knew how much I would feel their worry, sorrow and joy (more about that in the next post). Their ups and downs. I want to solve all their worries and make them happy every day. But life doesn’t work that way. I am really good at handling my own ups and downs, but theirs… that’s a whole different story.
Thanks for checking back in! You can read the previous, related posts here:
There is no emotion more powerful, or devastating, than Mother Guilt. It sits on your shoulder like a nagging, mean witch-like thing. Maybe I sound crazy to you, but I think any mother knows what I am talking about. Mother guilt is there to remind you every day that you could have done better, differently or at her best moments, she can even convince you that you are a terrible mother. I am usually pretty good at telling her to shut up, but I have to admit it often doesn’t take much for her to get the upper hand.
No one every prepared me for how it would feel when someone or something gives you the feeling that you have let your child down in some way, or done something wrong by them. It makes you feel sick, it keeps you awake, it ages you and it makes you want to make everything better.
There are three typical parenting scenarios that come to mind where she rears her ugly head the most frequently:
When you miss something
Whether it is a hockey game, ballet recital, school event, field trip or any number of other events in your children’s lives, it is hard to miss them. Whatever the reason you are missing it is; as soon as your child says with big eyes “you’re not coming to….” the damage has been done. You will do everything you can to insert yourself from afar to help them feel you care and to shut Mother Guilt (MG) up! Texting, phoning etc driving everyone including yourself crazy. And no matter how you slice it, you still missed it. This is when you need to gag MG and allow yourself a life outside of your children every now and then.
When feel inadequate
You know those times when you said no because you were too tired to read a story, or too busy to play, or had a bad day and snapped at them. It’s like a sling shot – within seconds, minutes or hours (when you are in bed later), it comes back and lodges itself in your brain “I am a horrible mother because…. I often feel this way simply because I have 4 kids. They all need me and sometimes at the same time. Inevitably one will say: “you only care about him” or, “you don’t care about me”. OUCH!!! It’s like a knife to the heart! And if you ask me, they know it. They are working with ‘her’ (MG)
When something doesn’t work out as you thought
I am talking about those times when you guided them in one direction and it didn’t work out. Yikes!! And if they blame you in any way, even if it has nothing to do with you…. OMG! Bring out the tissues, increase coffee consumption because you will not be sleeping well. My son would blame me sometimes simply because I gave him life 😦
So, for all moms-to-be or new mamas out there: get used to it and get good at telling ‘her’ to go away!!! You are doing a great job. They do love you. They know you love them. Take a deep breath, have a glass of wine, phone a friend (another mom), pat yourself on the back and say: “I am going a great job! I am an amazing mom”
Have a fantastic day!
Love & hugs,
Elisabeth – self-proclaimed mother of the year.. right alongside you 😉
PS. I am getting away this fall and leaving Mother Guilt in the dust to spend some time with other moms taking care of myself. Join me!
Both of us are now mothers of adult children. Despite what I may have thought before, I realize mothering never stops. We never stop loving, worrying, caring, helping, wishing the best and at times feeling we could have or would have liked to have done more. And we never stop wanting to spend time with our babies, as they will always be to us. l don’t know if you still think of Stephanie and me as your “pots and pans”. I know I still think of my boys as my little man, half-a-be, jelly bean and spratt. They will always be our children, therefore we are always mothers. How blessed we are.
You were always there for me. Always willing to listen, regardless how minuscule and ridiculous. You paid attention to my
My mom, sister and I on my wedding day
problem at hand and gave it importance with your thoughtful and good advice. You protected me the best way you knew. I might not always have agreed with you, but I know you came from a place of love, not meanness as I thought then. I have learned from you that sometimes the best way to love our children, is to say no when it is needed. It can be so hard because they will fight me as I know I fought you. And I wasn’t always nice about it either….. I am sorry. I didn’t apologize to you very often then I don’t think… You always did – regardless of how wrong I probably was. You always extended the first gesture and gave me a hug and said “let’s be friends and not fight”. That must have been hard to do sometimes. I’m not as good at that as you were.
I know you love me.
I wish you were closer so I could spend time with you today and do something special for you. Luckily, I am going to see you in just a few days! Can’t wait.
So, today I want to say thank you. Thank you for your kindness, love, advice, time and for always being happy when I call you.
First, let me say; I remember when I was pregnant, becoming mentally exhausted (and slightly scared) from all the well meaning, but unsolicited, and often unwanted, advice I received. Unfortunately, most of the advice given is scary, negative, old-fashioned and “I know best” kind of advice. I can honestly not remember one person who simply told me how much fun this was going to be. Or, how delivering a baby doesn’t necessarily turn you into a shrieking, husband-hating monster. Everyone is always so happy for you, yet, they can’t come up with one positive thing to say.
So, here is what I will want to say (if she asks…) to my future daughter-in-laws about how to survive, enjoy and graduate from motherhood (not that we ever stop being moms)
1. Nourish yourself spiritually, emotionally and physically. You are about to become a mother, don’t lose yourself
While you are trying to become pregnant or are pregnant, pay attention to the little things that nourish you as a woman, a person and a friend and wife. What are the things that make you smile; make you feel happy and fulfilled? Is it time alone with
Practicing Self-Care helps you take care of you.
your spouse and/or friends? Is alone time important to you? Reading? Pick at least one of these and make time for it once the baby has arrived. You can do this AND be a wonderful, committed mother.
Prioritize your health. Learn what you need to about preparing for, pregnancy and recovering post partum. Find and see your local Pelvic Floor Physiotherapist. Learn about the inside of your body and pelvic floor. Do your Kegels and bind your belly immediately post partum.
2. Treasure the moments
If you already have kids I am sure you have already heard advice like “don’t rush through it”, “enjoy, they grow so fast”. I heard it so many times, but still would think: “I wish he would walk soon”, “If only he could talk and tell me what he wants”
My oldest and I
I can tell you as someone who has 4 grown children and just moved one of my youngest out – They are right! Enjoy the small moments and the wonder. I know it gets crazy at times with these little, not always cooperating, but adorable people. I now spend a fair bit of time reminiscing and enjoying those memories in my mind. You see, I listened to that advice, but not well enough. I really tried to still my day and sit down with my boys and just enjoy the story they were telling, the cuddle or simply watching them do their thing quietly, but I worried about my house-work too. Now that they are older I still look for any opportunity to sit down and enjoy time with my boys.
3. Parent in a way that feels right for you and your partner.
I figured out early on that I really only wanted to ask for and listen to advice from certain friends/family members, namely, those with similar parenting beliefs and philosophies. So, I rarely give advice, unless asked. And I never asked for advice except from those specific moms. That way you are not getting judged simply for asking and you don’t have to listen to advice you have no intention of following. Except for from your mother and mother-in-law of course, because they will give you advice whether you want it or not. Just listen, smile and nod…and then erase from your memory so it doesn’t sneak up on you in a weak moment 😉
4. Prioritize your marriage/relationship
Your marriage comes first! You got together and had a family for a reason, now you owe it not only to yourselves, but to your children to make this work. I am divorced, and I can honestly say, there is no hockey game or practice, ballet recital, or homework assignment that is more important than that. Parenting and maintaining your relationship are two equally important entities. Obviously you will meet your children’s basic needs of life and much more. Make it just as important to do something for your relationship with your spouse every day. It can be really small like sitting down for 5 minutes together – alone and just being together; a kiss and a hug at the end of every day; a sweet text to say you are thinking of each other. And yes, schedule date nights – often, even if that simply means going to bed early and not watching television… 😉
5. Be a mother, not a friend to your children
I too often hear mothers brag about how they are “best friends” with their daughter. It is great if you are close and share and talk to each other openly, but your daughter is not your bff, nor are you hers. Being a mother is a true privilege and pleasure and a very unique place in life. You are a confidant, advisor and the one who loves them without condition or limitation. With you they are completely safe. Safe to be wrong, inconsiderate, apologetic, remorseful, wonderful, funny, goofy and so much more. There is a life long bond between a mother and child that doesn’t need the tag of “best friends” to have meaning. Because when we try to be best friends we try not to displease. We don’t say things that might upset or anger them, and thus we stop parenting. It is our job as parents to say the things they don’t want to hear when they need to hear it. It is their friends’ job to cheer them up when you do. My boys don’t think of me as their best friend. I am their mother. I am always there for them and they know that. I am their first call when they need something, or want to share an experience. I feel so lucky to be that. I know one day their wives will take that place, but I also know they will still call me and check in, because that’s what we do.
Walking behind them I could actually see their little toddler self. I am so proud of the young men they have become.
Oh dear, this ended up being a little longer than I intended it to be, but thank you for sticking with me to the end. I would love to hear from you! What is the one thing you will tell a young mom one day?
Leading up to Mother’s Day I wanted to write something really profound and beautiful about moms, being a mom, having a mom etc. I realized there was no way I could confine myself to one or even two posts. Therefore, I am posting a series of posts addressing a variety of “mom” topics. Subscribe so you don’t miss a single one! 🙂
I would love to hear your experiences, advice and comments. So please follow and share your thoughts. I will be reading and responding to all of them 🙂
Thank you in advance!
Elisabeth
~ The very fortunate mother of 4 amazing and handsome young men (completely objective point of view of course…)
As part of a planned family reunion happening on Long Island this past December at Christmas time I decided the boys and I would stop in NYC for an extra 24 hours since they have never been.
Enter my little red Hyundai Tucson and 4 very tall boys and one mom. It was a tight squeeze. One that would feel much tighter at the end of it all. Our drive to New York was uneventful and long. As we got closer their excitement increased. We took turns driving, but I drove us at the end, and was glad I did because it was awesome to hear their comments when we crossed the George Washington bridge. It was dark and the skyline was lit up beautifully. They could see it all. No matter how old our kids are there is something magical about being part of your children’s first experiences.
Don’t get me wrong, all magic aside; travelling with your kids, especially adult ones, can cause all kinds of tension and there was some of that. But the wonderful thing about families is that despite the fact we can get on each other’s nerves in a way that no one else can, it’s over just as quickly. We all wanted to have a good time, so once they adapted to that I was boss and my word was law, then it was all good 😉 Actually, in all honesty, I only had to use the “because I said so and I decide” line when it came to who sat where in the car.
It felt great to stretch out and move our bodies after a long and squishy car ride
I am always nervous when I order hotels I have never heard of online, but we lucked out. We checked into our hotel and a big room with 3 queen beds and a nice big gym for us to burn off some energy in downstairs. And did I mention the parking was free!!!
The next day was great. It has been a long time since I walked that much but that is what one does in New York. We saw so many sights. The boys were snapping pictures all over the place. Mom was too. And mom was happy, because they were so happy.
Simulating the snowball fight from “Elf”
I felt so blessed. I had a whole day, hanging out in the most exciting city, alone with my four wonderful boys. So many fun things happened, like the guy in the sunglass Hut asking if they were a boy band. And then he danced while singing for them. They had a pretend snowball fight like in the “Elf” movie. We saw some great street entertainers and took many pictures in locations they have seen in many movies.
They even patiently waited in stores for me to look around. I repeat – patiently. They love their mom 🙂
Now that the boys are older, getting them all together for a meal is hard enough, never mind several days – away from home. When the opportunity came up I was wavering, but it was my darling husband (not their father) who pointed out that this was a very rare thing. “Just go” he said, and he was right. Thank you for always understanding and supporting me, my love. I will always treasure the time my boys and I had together in New York.
Sometimes I just can’t believe that they are all mine. I made them. They are my boys. I still remember them as little adorable babies and toddlers, but there they are, all grown up, handsome and awesome (from a mother’s perspective of course… )
My journey of self discovery and “finding myself”, as corny as that sounds, started 7 years ago when my marriage of almost 20 years came to a rather abrupt and unexpected end. I remember reading somewhere during that very difficult time that if you are struggling with your self-esteem and sense of worth to email your friends and family and ask them to describe you with only one word. At this point I couldn’t possibly feel any worse about myself, so I tried it. Every single one of those who responded used the same word – strong. Try it! You might learn something about yourself.
Strong…. I was so surprised. That was the last thing I felt I was. I had just found out about my husband’s year-long affair and very much felt that the rug had been pulled from under me. My entire world had been turned upside down. My boys were crying and sad. The ex was angry that I was calling it quits. I felt betrayed, unworthy, profoundly sad, incredibly angry and completely unstable. At any given time, anywhere, I was at the verge of tears. I had to leave the gym once in the middle of a workout (though for the most part working out is what saved me). I love reading but was unable to focus on anything more than a sentence for over a year. I felt incredibly vulnerable and at the verge of breaking at anytime.
But I didn’t…. I held it together – for the most part. The first four months after finding out, my boys did not know anything yet. I cried daily, in the bathroom, but they never saw that. I hardly slept, but they didn’t know that. I took good care of myself because it made me feel better and it was something I could control unlike the rest of my world. I managed to hide the physical anxiety reaction I had every time he came over unannounced and was unpleasant to me in front of the boys. I stayed calm and quiet in the storm – for my boys. And I realized, I was much stronger than I thought. Don’t get me wrong, there are some moments I am not proud of, where my emotions got the best of me and my reactions were desperate and frantic. But I learned something about myself during this time. I was strong. And it was my strength and ability to maintain some kind of normalcy that helped my boys through that first year after their father moved out. The rules remained the same; Dinner time happened at the same time as always; I was there for them, as always. As time went on I spent a lot of time thinking. About what I wanted and what I didn’t want; about what went wrong, on both our parts. I tried to figure out what I wanted out of life and out of a partner. I knew what I didn’t want, but wasn’t sure yet, if I could trust myself to know what I did want, or if I was worthy of something good and real.
Almost a year after my marriage ended, I was on a plane to Vancouver, watching a romantic movie called “PS, I love you“. For some reason this movie triggered some really strong emotions in me, and a lot of tears! To make a long story short, I found my inner voice, and I listened! As I listened I felt so free and an incredible joy. I knew that day what I wanted out of life and what was important to me, and I was not afraid to go after it. I was crying tears of joy! I shared this experience in more detail in a previous post, so I won’t repeat myself here. However, I do want to say this; as the years have passed since then, my life has been so different and so much better. I am happy – every day. It has amazed me how much lighter I feel and I no longer feel the need to climb into my pink box to protect myself and feel safe. I am safe on the outside now. Oh, I don’t think I have told you about the pink box yet. That will be a story for another time… 🙂
I shared this with you because I am hoping that by telling my story I can help you, if you are struggling in some way. Whether you are divorced, single, married or all of the above, there are times when things just seem wrong. It might not be something big like an affair. In fact, it could just be this feeling… a feeling that things are not quite right, that something is missing perhaps. It is my goal to help you identify and listen to that feeling, that inner voice. Your voice is talking to you, but it is not always easy to listen. It might be saying something we don’t want to hear, or we don’t know how to make a change. Everybody deserves to make themselves happy, to feel good about themselves, to live their dream life and to feel happiness and joy daily.
It has been said many times…. Motherhood is a thankless job. We take our thanks in the form of sweet, sticky jam kisses; mommy hugs; I love you’s, and see reward and feel gratitude when our teenagers don’t roll their eyes during dinner, or possibly for a whole day.
Despite these nuggets of love and appreciation, I am every now and then astounded by their complete inability to see or consider anyone else in a situation nor the consequences of their demands on the path to what they want.
Sweet kiss from Clayton, only 2 years old here and 24 years old this month.
Many lectures (sometimes at a louder decibel than I might want to admit) have been given (by me) on considering the rest of the family, or the fact that I do have a job and can’t quit it to drive them places (even though I would like to), nor do I prepare well-balanced, healthy (and in my opinion delicious) meals just to punish them or because I know they don’t like it! Yes, I have actually been accused of that.
Every now and then I have wondered if they notice all the things I do for them? Or do they even care a little that I gave up this or that for them? The answer is unfortunately no. Mostly because they don’t think of it as we do. How do I know? I thought back to my childhood. I don’t ever remember thinking “wow, my Mom really gave up a lot today to be there for me 100%, and instead of yelling at her because she was 3 minutes late or made me a meal I don’t really love, I am going to thank her for the 1 1/2 hrs she spent waiting for me and driving me and supporting me when I did nothing but complain when I was finally back in the car”. Not once.
Mom, I am sorry for my incredible selfishness and THANK YOU for just being there without complaining and still supporting me with love and kindness.
I have learned to see their thank you’s in other ways. They might not say thank you but they show it. When my boys repeatedly confide in me regarding girls, schools, jobs, sports or other things that matter a great deal to them, I stand back after and I know that in that moment there is a thank you – thank you for being someone they can come and talk to safely and get the love and understanding they need. When they get really upset with me because of something else bad that happened to them that day, there is a thank you – thank you for letting them fall down and still loving them, picking them back up and making them feel safe. And when your teenager spits out “you are the un-coolest mom ever” you know they are really saying thank you for being a responsible mother who always has their best interests at heart 🙂
And then every now and then they will do the sweetest thing that just makes you feel like the luckiest mom ever. We live for those moments. They keep us smiling and coming back for more (punishment). Honestly, there have been many. Here are just a very few that I can remember right now:
When my oldest son was away at University and called me after one of his football games and expressed how he missed me at his game (my heart broke), and had looked up to the stands looking for me, out of habit….but I wasn’t there. He was saying thank you. It DID matter that I was there all those times. 🙂 🙂
When my son regularly tells me I am the best mommy because I am making Hamburger Stroganoff (again!)
And last week, one of my twins, who requires a lot of my time due to his sport (and many, many sleepless nights) took me out for dinner. Just us two. He picked the restaurant and he paid. It was so sweet and I was so touched. We had such a wonderful time and I definitely heard a ‘thank you” in there.
Dinner Date
As my boys get older they get better at actually saying thank you. And I love that. They always make me smile inside and out. But you know what? I think I might like the times they show it the best. That’s when they make me feel really special.
How do your kids say thank you to you? Because they do. You just have to listen for it.
socks
Son: I have a date tonight with another girl I don’t really care that much about but…
ne that would feel much tighter at the end of it all. Our drive to New York was uneventful and long. As we got closer their excitement increased. We took turns driving, but I drove us at the end, and was glad I did because it was awesome to hear their comments when we crossed the George Washington bridge. It was dark and the skyline was lit up beautifully. They could see it all. No matter how old our kids are there is something magical about being part of your children’s first experiences.
. The boys were snapping pictures all over the place. Mom was too. And mom was happy, because they were so happy.
A Mom trying to make it all work! 